It’s the end of July and I’m over it. Over the heat, over the kids, over the non structured time and over the constant extreme of busy or boredom. There is no in between. I admit it, every single year it’s the same. I get excited for school to let out to spend more time with my kids and for all the other things I just said I was over and in just about 3 weeks I’ll feel sad to see it all end too. This in between though, you know mid July to mid August (at least here in Virginia) it’s torture for me and my mental health. We have by now been on and returned from “summer vacation”, exhausted enough play dates, been to the beach a lot, had s’mores around the fire pit, binged on popcorn during movie night and ate enough fast food to hibernate all winter. For me as a mom who is home with her kids all summer, all day, everyday, there are only 2 modes during this time, busy and overwhelmed or bored and lonely. There is no in between despite my attempts to create one. I keep trying to find this place where I feel balanced but I just can’t seem to get there.
Tonight after dinner, my husband (who admittedly gets up very early for work) asked me if I was coming up to bed….guys….it was 5:54 pm! I almost screamed. Not at him, but at the level of lonely boredom I was feeling all day, which honestly was a culmination of said feelings piling up the past few weeks. Having no adult interaction most days does not help someone with anxiety and a history depression. When you’re left tending to young humans alone for hours and hours every day repeatedly and the only adult conversation stems from your own flawed brain….yea, no thank you.
Since I was by no means ready to call it a night at nearly 6 o’clock I decided to do something sans kids despite still doing it alone. Side note: Can you believe you my entire life I have called my self an introvert and now at 42 I’ve just realized… the hell I am, sheesh I don’t even know me. Anyways, I need people! I crave conversation and girl talk. My best friend lives 500 miles away for goodness sake. I don’t need a lot of people….just 1 or 2 (at the most) and while I’m not sure if that necessarily makes me an extrovert, I’m definitely over feeling like a lonely stay at home mom. The other issue is, I don’t want to be in my house all the time either, I think that may be even more of an issue if I’m being honest. While I’m grateful to have a home of course, I’m in it way more than I am out lately. I seem to leave for errands or kid duties and rarely for anything fun or fulfilling. Mostly, that is because it’s hot as hell here and being outside feels like walking through a brick wall.
So tonight, after my husband asked me if I was coming up to bed, I went for a ride. I didn’t know where I was going but decided on a frozen yogurt. I went inside and chose my flavors and loaded up my toppings. I got a tad excited to sit down without hearing “Mom, Can I have a bite?” I paid for my sweetness and began to eat it. About 4 bites in it started to melt. I was also full and it didn’t look as appealing as it did when I was making it. I went to the car and held it as if my mind was going to change but I knew I was done with it. $10 wasted. I chuckled to myself and thought “And they say ice cream makes it all better” well today it sure didn’t. I felt just like that ice cream looked, like a melted swamp of good stuff. Because in reality, sometimes that’s what we are, a melted swamp of good stuff and sometimes that’s the season we are in too. Today it’s both for me, tomorrow maybe just one. In 3 weeks hopefully, none. Repeat for life.
Regardless, the point I’m trying to make is that it’s still good stuff. The way we look and the way we feel does not take away who or what we are. Bad days and good days both serve a purpose even if we fail to see what it is in that moment. I don’t have all the answers, but I do know sometimes we just have to sit in it. By “it” I mean whatever the day brings. Some days it can’t be “turned around”, it simply just is, what it is. I do know however, that today will turn into tomorrow, never to be seen again just like that swamp of melted ice cream is gone forever too. Tomorrow’s ice cream may withstand the heat better than today’s and perhaps it will “make it all better” once again too, even though today’s didn’t. One thing is for sure, I’ll keep placing bets on ice cream because I know it’s still good even when it’s a melted swamp of goo!
I’ll keep betting on myself too because I know I am the same.….and so are you. 🍨
